Why We Struggle to Give Ourselves Grace: Understanding Self-Compassion, Shame, and Healing
We give our friends and our clients so much grace.
You only know that you know.
You did the best you could.
You were in survival mode.
These words come easily when we’re talking to someone else. They feel true, grounding, compassionate. But when we turn that same lens inward, the grace disappears. Instead, we replay mistakes, judge past decisions, and hold ourselves to a standard we woiuld never expect of another human being.
So why is it so hard to offer ourselves the same grace we give so freely to others?
We Are Both theJudge and the Defendant: Why Self-Judgement is So Hard
When it comes to ourselves, we have insider information. Weknow our intentions and our missteps. We remember every moment we wish we had handled differently. Instead of seeing the full story, the context, the stress, the lack of support, we zoom in on the worst moment and call it the wholetruth.
With others, we naturally widen the lens. We see their circumstances. We acknowledge what they were carrying. With ourselves, we shrink the frame.
Survival Most Changes the Rules: How the Nervous System Shapes Our Choices
When you are in survival mode, your nervous system isn’t designed for reflection, insight,or long-term planning. It’s designed to keep you safe.
Decisions made in survival mode are not character flaws, they are adaptations. Your brain was doing exxactly what it needed to do to get you through.
Judging your past self with the clarity and resources you have now is deeply unfair. Growth doesn’t mean you failed back then. It means you survived long enough to learn.
We Confuse Accountability With Punishment: Self-Compassion vs. Self-Blame
Many of us learned, explicitly vs. implicitly, that being kind to ourselves means letting ourselves ‘off the hook’. That if ew stop being hard on ourselves, we’ll stop growing or repeating mistakes.
But research and lived experience tell a different story: shame doesn’t create change. It creates paralysis.
Shame Disguises Itself as Responsibility: Why Shame Blocks Healing
Staying harsh with ourselves can feel productive. It can masquerade as ownership, maturity, or strength. In reality, it often keeps us stuck.
We Expect Ourselves to Be the Exception: Unrealistic Self-Expectations
Somewhere along the way, many of us decided that everyone else gets to be human, but we don’t.
Other people are allowed to make mistakes because they were overwhelmed, unsupported, or hurting. We, on the other hand, believe we should have known better.
But knowing better only comes after we learn. And learning only happens because we lived through something hard.
What Giving Yourself Grace Actually Means: Practicing Self-Compassion
Giving yourself grace does not mean:
Denying harm
Avoiding accountability
Ignoring growth opportunities.
It means saying: I was doing the best I could with the tools, safety, and support I had at the time. It means allowing your past self to be human, not perfect.
Gentle Questions to Sit With: Learning to Give Yourself Grace
If you spoke to yourself the way you speak to the people you love most ….
What would change?
What sould soften?
What would finally feel safe enough to heal?
Maybe the work isn’t learning how to be kinder. Maybe it’s giving yourself permission to deserve the same grace you’ve been giving away all along.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. Self-compassion is not something we’re born knowing how to do; it’s something we practice, often slowly, often imperfectly, and always courageously.
